In spite of the impressions which many church environments communicate, being single past early adulthood is not necessarily losing in life nor something to mourn over

Even though God has generally put desires in mankind for marriage, and even though some people are wicked for seeking to have the pleasures related to marriage without assuming the responsibilities involved therein, while some also show their hardness of heart towards God by denigrating or twisting the very concept of the God-ordained institution of marriage between a man and a woman, it is no less true that marriage can be an idol which is valued over God Himself.  

False concepts and unwarranted assumptions concerning marriage can also be used as tools to judge others in an unrighteous manner (also including those who judge people in an unrighteous manner for not consenting to the novelty invention of  gay marriage- that wicked invention is an antichrist concept).

Nobody ever absolutely needs to be married in order to be godly (except of course that those who are already married should not be the guilty party in causing their marriage to be dissolved).  Despite what many single people think and/or are told by others, no one ever needs to be married to be happy.  Yes, marriage might be a great source of happiness.  It might even be a great aid in godliness.  Yet it is never essential for godliness nor for happiness.  

Consider that Adam was in Paradise in fellowship with God before Eve came along.  We have no good reason to believe Adam wasn’t happy at that point either.  Did he have desires which were not meant that even fellowship with God in paradise didn’t meet?  Yes.  But could he afford to not have those desires fulfilled?  Yes.  Adam only absolutely needed Eve to have children and continue the human race.  

It was actually Adam’s inordinate/out of line/love for Eve which caused him to transgress against God.  This transgression caused mankind to fall and lose paradise.  

Adam could have refused the fruit of the forbidden tree which Eve had already eaten from and had offered to him.  Adam could have stayed in the garden in unbroken fellowship with God by refusing the fruit.  Eve of course would still have been kicked out of the garden.  God could have made another woman to be Adam’s wife.  

If you are thinking now that Adam would have been cruel to refuse to eat the fruit and thereby be separated from Eve, then you are surely one of the marriage idolaters whom this message seeks to rebuke and warn others of.  

And if you are having doubts about what Adam should have done or if you’d feel super sorry for him if he had done the right thing, then you at least ought to fear singleness a lot less and value the true God a lot more.

Many do indeed get destroyed spiritually through an inordinate/out of line love for their spouses.  From what I have seen, that is particularly so of men with their wives.  

It is even possible for a single person to at least do much to set themselves up for spiritual destruction by becoming way more taken up than they should be with finding a spouse.  That includes those who become preoccupied with making themselves a desirable candidate for marriage (more on that in a moment).

Luke 8:14: “And that which fell among thorns are they, which, when they have heard, go forth, and are choked with cares and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to perfection.”

Those who set their hearts on doing what is right in God’s eyes, that set their hearts on understanding the Bible and doing what they know it commands them, are not likely to have the time and/or mental energy  to make strenuous efforts to go out of their way to find a spouse.  That is not proper to do anyways.  It is not wise either.  Desperate people who go around looking for someone often do find each other and blind their eyes to many obvious reasons that they are not a good fit for each other.  

Proper boundaries for a single person who is, or who may be, interested in being married are essential to discern.  In discerning these, much can be learned about the proper Christian outlook or mindset for a single person regarding marriage.  In light of that, here are several principles related to keeping these proper boundaries.  These are more than just informative and they are more than just general rules.  They are a reflection of the outlook which keeps marriage in its proper place in relation to the true God.

Exodus 34:14: “For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God…”

Romans 1:25: “Who (referring to idolaters) changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshiped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever.  Amen.”

Don’t go out of your way then with the primary purpose of doing so being to look for a mate.  Go to places your duties in life take you, to places righteous pursuits take you, and to places which enjoying life in a way that is consistent with righteousness might take you.   But don’t go anywhere with the motivation to look for a mate.  And of course, it would be the worst of all to go somewhere with the motivation to find a mate while cloaking that motivation under a pretense of spirituality (that would be hypocrisy and it would truly be an instance where it would be right to call someone a Pharisee in the sense that Jesus often rebuked the Pharisees).  

Sometimes you might not honestly be sure what to do, but don’t overthink it.  Have a good reason to go anywhere you go which doesn’t involve finding a potential mate so you can be glad you went there even if you don’t find a potential mate there.

Don’t go out of your way to talk to people because you see them as a potential spouse.  Don’t talk to anyone that you wouldn’t talk to for another reason.  If you’re a guy and you ask a girl if she needs help carrying something she seems she may be struggling to carry, don’t do so for the attractive girl who might be a single Christian unless you would do the same for a girl who you don’t find the slightest bit attractive.  

Help others who need help and be kind in ways that are appropriate to everyone- without showing favor to those whom you might view as potential mates.  

Don’t become close to families which contain a potential spouse that you wouldn’t become close to even if a potential spouse was not a member of the family.

Don’t become close friends with fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, etc. of potential spouses that you wouldn’t become close friends with even if they did not have any close family member whom you might view as a potential spouse for yourself.  

Don’t become close friends with close friends of potential mates- unless you can honestly say before God that you likely would have become close friends with such anyways.

Don’t attend or join churches to impress a potential spouse or to impress the family or close friends of a potential spouse.

If a church is corrupted by sin and/or steeped in doctrine you know to be false, avoid it altogether- and don’t view anyone who attends or joins that church as a potential mate at all as long as they are involved with that church.

Investigate whether a church is on the right track in pursuing the Lord and developing or maintaining a faithful Christian testimony- even if no one at the church strikes you as a potential spouse.

Become part of  a church that passes such an investigation even if there are no single adults who are even eligible for you to righteously marry.  

Along the same lines, only learn new skills or better your life materially in ways that would still be worth it even if you were to never find a spouse.  You could spend your life preparing for something which God never definitely promised and which you aren’t sure to obtain.  By making your focus preparation for an uncertain marriage, you will end up neglecting multitudes of opportunities to do righteousness in God’s eyes which are potentially exceedingly valuable from eternity’s perspective.  Yes- learn skills, do well at work, seek to better yourself in ways consistent with righteousness.  That could all be very helpful too if you ever get married.  Be sure though not to make an idol of maxing yourself out in such ways.  In relation to that, don’t seek to max yourself out in these ways in hope that this will get you a spouse or get you one you view as better because you improved yourself in these ways.  

Never neglect a righteous duty- even if you feel like a loser or seem like a loser to others because you could have improved your life instead of doing that righteous duty.  Example: We should give away money we are saving, perhaps saving to buy a house, if we hear the cry of the poor who might perish if we don’t help them.  Neglecting the sure opportunity to do good because you are focused on your own life and its prospects is sin.  It is better to put off buying the house in that case.  Buying the house can wait.  

James 4:13-17: “Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain (note the principle- it is obviously proper to apply this to hopes for marriage and other earthly prospects): Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow.  For what is your life?  It is even a vapor, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.  For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.  But now ye rejoice in your boastings: all such rejoicing is evil.  Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.”

Those who find their life will lose it.  Those who lose their lives in this world to keep Jesus’ Word will keep it to life eternal.  You cannot follow Jesus faithfully if you value a happy marriage, or value going through with plans for a happy marriage, above His Word.  No man can serve two masters.  That applies to earthly riches and possessions (called mammon sometimes in the Bible).  It also applies to marriage prospects.  One big reason that many serve mammon is their idolatry related to marriage and/or family.

With that in mind: How is it consistent with real Christianity for one to value the things of earth so much that their requirements for a spouse have to do with people who are pursuing the maximum they can obtain in areas like money, status, beauty, charm, a comfortable life, etc?  It isn’t.  

And how is it consistent with real Christianity to be focused on meeting the expectations of people who are seeking a spouse on the basis of such things?  It is not.

The typical evangelical church now, from everything I’ve seen and heard of at least, treats being single as a problem to be fixed.  Many of the same churches believe in unconditional eternal security too.  

They literally might be bothered more by singleness among their members than they are bothered by sin among their members.  

These churches teach, and even more so they give off vibes, diametrically opposed to the teaching and spirit of Christ’s Apostles.

Listen to what the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:27-35: “Art thou bound unto a wife?  seek not to be loosed.  Art thou loosed from a wife?  seek not a wife.  But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned.  Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh In the body): but I spare you.  But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none; And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not; And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away.  But I would have you without carefulness.  He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.  There is difference also between a wife and a virgin.  The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband (my note: and that does mindset indeed need to be fixed- look at how Paul continues and summarizes his thoughts related to marriage in verse 35).  And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare (a trap) upon you, but for that which is comely (fitting, proper), and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.”

If a church teaches that being single makes one less spiritual than they would be if they were to get married, or overall just treats single people like second class citizens, then it is out of line with Christ’s Apostles.  It is right to leave the church on that basis.  

This however does not justify the Catholic Church (which insists that its leaders must be single).  There is a ditch on the opposite side of the road too.  The Catholic Church is out of line with Christ’s Apostles too (even over this alone, being in the opposite ditch that the Evangelical churches are typically in related to this matter).  

Many pastors in the Protestant and Evangelical realms have taken an approach to life that is compromised and pragmatic.  They are no different than the sinfully ambitious Levite in Judges chapters 17 and 18 who sold himself to a man named Micah for ten shekels and a shirt so Micah could have him as his personal priest.  He later sold himself to the Tribe of Dan to minister in their corrupted, compromised version of Judaism.  These pastors have likewise compromised to obtain their place in life and perks associated with that place (which often involve the wife they found at Bible school or a church associated with that school that was filled with young women looking to marry a future pastor).  That pragmatic compromise is a big reason why most churches have corrupted doctrine and an overall product in their membership which is not overall a faithful Christian testimony.  

I’m not saying that it is sin to find a wife at a church or at a Bible school.  I am saying that there is a general road map in the Protestant and Evangelical realms which gives an implicit lure to young men (and that lure is common knowledge)- going down the road laid out in these realms for becoming a church leader will (or is likely anyways to) result in a guaranteed (contractual, legally binding) salary, honor from man through an unscriptural title (like Reverend– which only God is called in the Bible), and easy picking when it comes to obtaining a wife in young adulthood.  It doesn’t take any great amount of discernment in many cases to see that a pastor is attached to their place in life and its perks rather than governed by the truth of the Bible.  One conversation confronting them with the obvious from the Bible compared to what they are doing and teaching makes that evident.  These are the ones promoting the lie that singleness is a curse and/or a problem to be fixed, whether this promotion is explicit (and it often is) or evidently implicit.

When you have a skewed definition of blessing and/or success, you’ll also have a skewed definition of lack of blessing and/or lack of success.  You’re also susceptible to labeling excellence or potential excellence as failure or as a set up for failure.

It is giving into the corruption of the compromised Protestant and Evangelical pastors to say, or to at least practically say, that one needs a spouse.  

It is giving into the corruption of the Catholic Church to say that one cannot fully pursue the Lord and reach their spiritual potential in Christ while married. 

Saying that finding a spouse isn’t proper nor worth it for a single person to go out of their way to do is by no means a statement that one should give up hope on marriage.  

Saying that one should not give up hope on marriage is by no means a statement that one should expect that they will surely get married in God’s will someday.  

Is this really the outlook which a single Christian should have on marriage?  I see these conclusions as proper to make based on what the Bible (the entire counsel of the Bible) says.  

Yet I also see one more ingredient which should be added so someone who hears or sees this won’t walk away unnecessarily discouraged.  

2 Chronicles 16:9a: “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.”

Whether it ends up happening in a very normal or very interesting way, or something in between, or however it might happen, the Lord can bring those whom He sees have the right priorities in His eyes together (without them having to forsake right priorities in His eyes and overall faithfulness to Him).  He has given many promises in the Bible (like the one just read) of His willingness to act for the good of those whose hearts are perfect towards Him.- and He is all-knowing and all-powerful.  

Yet there are many good reasons for which He might keep a person single in His will.  He also knows what we are capable of better than we do.  He might be glorified by one whose heart is perfect towards Him obtaining His grace to adjust to bearing singleness in an excellent way.  Singleness might be His definition of “good” for one whose heart is perfect towards Him for a long time- maybe even for a lifetime.  

If that sounds like a fearful thing, the consequences of one taking matters into their one’s own hands and being left to their own devices is truly a fearful thing.

Psalm 84:9-12: “Behold, O God our shield, and look upon the face of thine anointed.  For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand.  I had rather be a doorkeeper (my note: or a single person) in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickedness.  For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.  O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man (referring to any individual) that trusteth in thee.”

Aaron’s email is: [email protected]

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